Dear orcish frat boys:

You are morons. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have infiltrated your parties and stolen your liquor from you. You appear to think that anyone who wanders into your filthy-ass dwelling place wearing cargo shorts, a ballcap, and carrying a paddle is a pledge, of yours, to be humiliated. Wrong. I wear my cargo shorts to carry the liquor I steal from you, my ballcap because I happen to enjoy the musical stylings of They Might Be Giants, and carry a paddle because, well, that's not really any of your damned business, is it?

Besides this very clear case of complete failure to have any idea who actually pledged to your lame frat (Incidentally: The house says "Sigma Omega" but your shirts say "Lambda Upsilon Chi Kappa." Which is it?), I would expect you to recognize me given the number of times I have come in there and beat the shit out of you assholes. I've killed an incredible number of your active members just to get ahold of the booze they carried, and you've not only failed to call the police on me, you actually routinely give me drink tickets for your parties if I happen to look like you and show up at the right moment.

I'm going to say it again: Morons. Big freaking idiots. Go home to mommy and daddy and their gigantic pocketbooks, or I'll probably swing by and kill the rest of you tonight at, what? Ten? Is that when the house opens?

Sincerely, King Belgarion of Riva, Slayer of Torak and Guardian of the West.

P.S. - Please note that, in my salutation, I failed to capitalize "orcish frat boys." Feel free to take this both as a sign of disrespect and a reminder of my casual illiteracy. Which enrages you more?

Dear Baron Rof L'm Fao...

U R teh sux0r.


Yours Kwangotastically,
Moth

Dear Clementine,

My dearest Clementine, I am coming to take you away from the mines soon. I can't wait to gaze upon your glittering eye, to run my fingers through your long grey beard. I don't care what your father says, I will have you for my own. And I will fashion a wedding ring from the gems he is mining and place it upon your well worked finger. Wait for me to ride to you from the east in a fortnight.

Loving you always,
Rimmer


PS - EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!

Dear Petal

Why oh why do you have a store that says VOTE BUSH/CHENEY 2004? What evil demon posses your soul? Why do you offer buffs that I foolishly paid for before I knew of your ties to the Evil Dark Lord? Why does my toe hurt? Why god are people like you in the majority? Why is this post getting dangeouslly out of the realm of the game? Why do I start all my sentences with the word "why"? Why not? I asked you first. Because. Because why? Because I said so. That's not a reason. Do you want me to send you to your room? No. Then drop it. Yes mother... bitch.