As a girl:

The Tablecloths Have Turned

You report for your first morning of dude ranch excitement and meet the woman who's going to teach you about butter churning, cow milking, baking, cleaning, and obsolete gender roles. She's a fiery old woman with three teeth and a white beard that'd make a billy goat blush. She looks at the clothes you're wearing with dismay.

"No no, them there clothes are all wrong." She says. "You don't have any petticoats, you ain't got no calico, and where's your gingham?! You can't be a properly dressed old west prairie girl without gingham! Here, put this on."


You acquire an item: gingham blouse

gingham blouse

This is a blouse with one remarkable feature - it's made entirely out of gingham. It's pretty sexy, though -- if you wear this blouse, you'll never be lonely, and if you don't know what gingham is, you're not alone.

Type: shirt
Power: 100
Muscle Required: 35
Selling Price: 105 Meat.

Enchantment:
Muscle +7

Pelvic Gyration

You arrive on the Tropical Island and decide to study some of the native culture. You are particularly intrigued by one of the island womens' religious rituals. It involves balancing a revolving plastic hoop on one's hips by gyrating wildly, while wearing a skirt made out of grass and a bra made out of coconuts. The native women claim it gets them closer to the god of fertility, Nok'n'bo'oot.

You're not sure what dressing in skimpy clothing and doing pelvic thrusts has to do with fertility, but it is fun. You turn out to be a natural at it, so good that the island women give you a coconut bra to take with you as a souvenir.


You acquire an item: coconut bikini top

coconut bikini top

This is a bikini top made of two halves of a coconut, or possibly one half apiece from two completely different coconuts. All jokes about coconut milk can be mailed to the Kingdom of Loathing home office in Pueblo, Colorado.

Type: shirt
Power: 100
Muscle Required: 35
Selling Price: 105 Meat.

Enchantment:
Mysticality +7

A Licky Boom Boom Down

You spend most of your ski vacation trying to finally conquer the XXX Double-Plus-Ungood Slope. You fail spectacularly, never managing to make it down still standing. But spending so much time on the remotest part of the mountain is entertaining - you're almost eaten by soccer players, and you encounter a strange fellow who babbles gibberish at you. It sounds something like "tectivemontheysaymedaddymesnow bestabbinsomeonedowndalane" but you can't be sure.

When you stop by the souvenir shop at the end of your trip, you see a T-shirt that says "I survived the XXX Double-Plus-Ungood Slope." You figure that's true enough... broken limbs, bruises, scrapes, and barbed-wire fences aside, you did survive.


You acquire an item: souvenir ski t-shirt

souvenir ski t-shirt

This is a T-shirt that attests to the fact that you didn't die on a ski slope. True, the fact that you're walking around is proof of that, but the shirt also keeps your nipples warm.

Type: shirt
Power: 100
Muscle Required: 35
Selling Price: 105 Meat.

Enchantment:
Moxie +7

One might assume there's a similar Moxie top? And something for the boys? And a PONY?

As a boy (you can't just change it your profile, you have to visit the back alley):

Singin' the Same Old Song

You report for your first day of cowpunching (or poking, you're not sure which) and meet the guy who will be your instructor for the day. He's a crusty, dusty, musty old cowboy with a leathered face and wrinkles you could hide a gerbil in. He eyes you with contempt.

"Dang city slickers," he mutters. "Look at the clothes you're wearing. You can't be a proper fake cowboy unless you have the right clothes." He rummages through his saddlebags, then the saddlebags on his horse, and throws a shirt at you. You check it out and try it on. It's very, very shiny.

You acquire an item: rhinestone cowboy shirt

rhinestone cowboy shirt

This is a cowboy shirt encrusted with fake diamonds. It makes you look like a disco ball of the Old West. Just don't start spinning in circles every time you hear honky-tonk piano.

Type: shirt
Power: 100
Muscle Required: 35
Selling Price: 105 Meat.

Enchantment:
Muscle +7

Rained In at the Dock

You arrive at the Tropical Island only to discover that you've booked your trip during monsoon season. It's raining so hard that you can't leave the dock. Fortunately, there are plenty of bars and souvenir stands right at the dock, so it's almost like you're at the resort.

You decide to buy a shirt that is authentic Tropical Island garb, in the sense that every tourist to the Tropical Island wears one. Once you try on the shirt, the store owner laughs so hard that he lets you have it for free, out of gratitude for the comedy. You're not sure what's so damned funny, but aren't offended enough to turn down the shirt.

You acquire an item: floral print shirt

floral print shirt

This is a button-up shirt with a bright floral print loudly proclaiming itself on all sides. This is your one opportunity as a guy to wear a bright floral print and not get sniggered at. Not very much, at least.

Type: shirt
Power: 100
Muscle Required: 35
Selling Price: 105 Meat.

Enchantment:
Mysticality +7

Moxie Vacation

Total letdown. Same adventure, same shirt. Waste of a perfectly good sex change....

i wouldnt say total waste

*waggles eyebrows*

heya sechsay