Where's Natasha?

You're fighting a Possessed Can of Cranberry Sauce

There are two schools of thought on cranberry sauce -- some maintain it should be made out of actual cranberries and should have texture and various other flavors, such as cinnamon and orange. The other insists cranberry sauce should be, essentially, stiff cranberry-flavored gelatin, like this monster. Both sides agree, however, that demonic possession really ruins the flavor.

You acquire an item: can-shaped gelatinous cranberry sauce

can-shaped gelatinous cranberry sauce

This is a stiffly molded, cranberry-flavored hunk of gelatin. It's shaped like the can out from which it came. I mean, right down to the little ridges in the middle. It's somewhat disconcerting.

Type: food
Selling Price: 40 Meat.

You're fighting a Stuffing Golem

This is a golem composed entirely of bread cubes, herbs, and celery soaked in turkey broth. At least it doesn't have apple slices in it -- man, that's nasty.

You acquire an item: herbal stuffing

herbal stuffing

What is the sound of one herbal stuffing? Well, it depends. If you drop it on the floor, it's pretty much a "schplut" sound. This is a mixture of soggy bread, celery, and herbs. It's supposed to be stuffed into something before you eat it. Don't get any weird ideas.

Type: food
Selling Price: 30 Meat.

An Adventer is You!
You acquire an item: aspirin

"They can't all be winners, kid."

aspirin

This is your garden variety buffered analgesic -- an ancient tribal remedy, made from tree bark and stuff. It's little, white, and different from things that are large and/or not white.

Type: usable
Cannot be discarded

You're fighting a Candied Yam Golem

I yam what I yam, and so is this golem. It's the most fearsome tuber you've ever seen -- a gargantuan mass of syrupy yams, topped with a crusty mini-marshmallow toupee. It looks hot, sticky and sweet from its head down to its feet.

You acquire an item: candied yams

candied yams

Mmm, vegetables coated in sugar. Why not have some caramel broccoli? How about a hot-fudge asparagus spear? How about pineapple on a pizza? Yeesh.

Type: food
Selling Price: 50 Meat.

You're fighting a Malevolent Tofurkey

This is a wad of gelatinous, theoretically edible muck that has been formed into the shape of a turkey. That alone would be bad enough, but its also been animated by some kind of dark mystical energy. You should have recognized its fowl stench when you came on board.

You acquire an item: tofurkey leg
You acquire an item: tofurkey gravy

tofurkey leg

This is the leg of a bizarre beast made entirely of bean curd and artificial flavoring. It's definitely more fun to say than to try and eat.

Type: food
Selling Price: 50 Meat.

tofurkey gravy

Mmmm... nothing says "Happy Holidays" like a vat of gelatinous goo that tastes vaguely like meat. It's just like your mom used to make, if your mom was a filthy hippy.

Type: food
Selling Price: 20 Meat.

pfft

you didnt give me fullness levels

YOU CALL THIS A 1337 CLAN!

A POX ON JOOOOO