Top Ten Borax the Clean Facts
1. Borax the Clean' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Borax the Clean does not sleep. He waits.
3. Borax the Clean is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Borax the Clean is pain.
5. If you can see Borax the Clean, he can see you. If you can't see Borax the Clean, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Borax the Clean has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Borax the Clean does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Borax the Clean goes killing.
8. Borax the Clean' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Borax the Clean is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Borax the Clean, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Borax the Clean' beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Borax the Clean Facts
• Borax the Clean once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Borax the Clean' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Borax the Clean is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Borax the Clean out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Borax the Clean, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Borax the Clean has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• If you ask Borax the Clean what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Borax the Clean drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Borax the Clean sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Borax the Clean has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Borax the Clean' fist.
• Borax the Clean invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the "Borax the Clean Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Borax the Clean can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Borax the Clean allows to live.
• Borax the Clean once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Borax the Clean' victims
before they died? His shoe.
• Borax the Clean is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Borax the Clean as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
• Borax the Clean doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Borax the Clean doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Borax the Clean and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Borax the Clean will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Borax the Clean getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
• If you spell Borax the Clean in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Borax the Clean originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Borax the Clean replied, "That's no glitch."
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Borax the Clean once and he will fuck you up.
• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Borax the Clean played in second grade.
• Borax the Clean once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• Borax the Clean once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Borax the Clean re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Borax the Clean has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Borax the Clean that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Boraxtatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Borax the Clean once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Borax the Clean is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Borax the Clean.
• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Borax the Clean's warm-up exercises.
• Borax the Clean is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Borax the Clean turned that wine into beer.
• Borax the Clean can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Borax the Clean.
• Borax the Clean discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Borax the Clean is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Borax the Clean roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Borax the Clean doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Borax the Clean military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Borax the Clean could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Borax the Clean could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after Borax the Clean gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Borax the Clean goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Borax the Clean has breathed on.

Borax the Clean once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Borax the Clean won by 5.

Borax the Clean was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Borax the Clean 's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Borax the Clean sheds his skin twice a year.

When Borax the Clean calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Borax the Clean once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Borax the Clean likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Borax the Clean has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Borax the Clean was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Borax the Clean can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Borax the Clean-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Borax the Clean falls in water, Borax the Clean doesn't get wet. Water gets Borax the Clean.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1BtCRhK (Borax the Clean Roundhouse Kick)

Borax the Clean’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Borax the Clean doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Borax the Clean, all McDonald's in Montana have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Borax the Cleaned".

Borax the Clean CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Borax the Clean roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Borax the Clean can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Borax the Clean has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Borax the Clean is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Borax the Clean roundhouse kick.

Borax the Clean invented his own type of karate. It's called Borax the Clean-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Borax the Clean just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Borax the Clean is easily capable of welding titanium.

Borax the Clean once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Borax the Clean talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Borax the Clean kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Borax the Clean calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Borax the Clean to go around.

Borax the Clean doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Borax the Clean is Borax the Clean.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Borax the Clean, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Borax the Clean always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Borax the Clean" for every answer. You will score a 1600.

Borax the Clean invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Borax the Clean, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Borax the Clean has the greatest Poker Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Borax the Clean randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Borax the Clean.

Borax the Clean doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Borax the Clean throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Borax the Clean Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Borax the Clean has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Borax the Clean grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Borax the Clean"

Borax the Clean ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Borax the Clean and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Borax the Clean getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Borax the Clean can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Borax the Clean invented the Caesarian section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

Borax the Clean doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Borax the Clean. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Borax the Clean 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Borax the Clean will find you and kill you.

Borax the Clean has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Borax the Clean Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq; Borax the Clean lives in Montana.

Borax the Clean doesn't believe in Germany.

When Borax the Clean is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Borax the Clean once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Borax the Clean to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Borax the Clean can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Borax the Clean came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.

Borax the Clean played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Borax the Clean smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Borax the Clean is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Borax the Clean pajamas.

Borax the Clean once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Borax the Clean can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Borax the Clean does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Borax the Clean invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

Lastly, I heard an illness caught Borax the Clean. Get well soon!

Borax the Clean has no mouth, but his lipstick is prostitute red.

Borax = Total Rockage… As in every mountain in Montana collapsing in a giant landslide due to the massive shockwave he produced when he whispered, and wanted to see if there was an echo.

Get well soon!